Doors

The sun shone brightly but she was in a dark place. Uncertain about her future and that of her children, opressed by thoughts of her past, she groaned.

She needed to get her shit together, that’s what she told herself. 

She’d been up all night, got maybe three or four hours sleep, but that wasn’t anything new. She’d dragged herself off the sofa at 6am and made a strong cup of coffee to get her moving. Then the dreaded routine began get the kids up fed and dressed and out to school. Then what? Wash dishes clean house? Well she was going to do none of that she was gonna lie on the familiar sofa and zombie in front of the tv until it was time to pick the kids up. Then she’d throw some food together get them bathed and into bed. This was her life one of drudgery, repition and boredom. 

Three times a week she’d go to her soul destroying job, one in which she was unnappreciated and was dying silently carrying the burdens of those that couldn’t do it on their own.  No change for the past thirteen years.

She often wondered how things had got like this.  She’d had  so much potential growing up. Where had it all gone? what had happened,  how did she get out of this living nightmare,  one in which she felt she gave so much and got back so little.

She knew there could have been and perhaps still could be more but how to unearth this greener pasture was a mystery to her. If anyone saw her they might think she looked a bit worse for wear but no more than anyone else.  She smiled, nodded did all the social pleasantries as expected, but just beneath that veneer was a woman screaming out in emotional pain, bewildered and lost. Occassionally,  an aquiantance might offer a comforting arm or an encouraging word and they had no idea how much she appreciated these small tokens of affection, she felt so love starved.

What about her family you might ask yourself, where are they, can’t they help her? The answer is no, no they can’t.  Her children she loves with a fierce love despite the sacrifices she makes for them because, she thinks, they deserve at least that, she would do all and anything she could for them.  She wants them at least to come out of this as whole as possible. 

Everyone else that professes familial association she is entirley alienated from. Their words form the word love their actions speak of other things.  Commodity, help, need, pressure, pain, harm, envy, jealousy and violence.  She would rather stand alone with her God and her children than reach towards them with the spears they hold pointed at her professing love.

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A poem?

Lost dreams 

torn seams 

no good things here 

no dawn 

just pain that feels severe 

 

How  you find your  way ‘s not clear all way down deep, down here. 

No screams, no cries, just silent pain that no one really cares to hear,  so stand up straight and don’t be late  ’cause fear might try to keep you. 

Alone, no phone to reach the one to whom I”m dear. They’re gone,  just gone. 

An intellectual frost descends to say it’s for the best don’t wait, just go,  move on , let go!  Perhaps I might if I knew how. 

We’ve said goodbye, well I have anyway. But they just won’t let me be. 

Don’t know how they get in… the echoes and the whispers of past present future wailing under the door of my conscientious watch, through the gaps and the spaces that I know nought of. 

A life, lost a love,  lost a dream,  lost a future,  no more, possibilities escape joy freedom all these, lost.

What now? How to stay in the now of today?  NEED an anchor that’s for sure, need a lighthouse to the shore.  

WEEP for me,

                                      cry with me. 

                                                                     Lets all go home.

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