Saying Goodbye when you’ve barley said hello

Today is May 20th, 2010. I have survived for 2 days, after the more traumatic day i will ever have in my entire life. Im going to begin a journal to help me cope with this.

I will start by sharing my experience and the whirlwind of the day my life changed forever.

The date was May 18th, and it started like every other day. I woke up, sore and tired and my belly huge, the baby boy i carried inside me doing somersaults and kicks to let me know he too was awake. I prepared for my Dr apt like every other time, I arrived, and waited for them to call me back, and once they had me in the back, they hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor, just like any other apt. about 10 minutes into the apt,I’m watching as his heart rate dips from 120 to 110, and then slowly coming back up, and jumping up to 140s when he was moving around, but during every contraction it would dip down to 110, and one time even reaching 79. I watched and knew something wasn’t right. The nurse came in, tore the strip and left again. She returned 10 minutes later and stood to watch me for around 5 minutes. I asked “His heart rate seems alittlelow today” and she told me, yes, and they’ve counted 5-6 decels already. I knew this wasn’t good. She tore again and went out only to return moments later to tell me, time to go to the hospital, NOW. I Said ok, began making phone calls, and headed home. I knew alan had to work, and i had the truck with the car seats, and i had to drop my Mother in law off at the house so she could watch the kids while i went to the hospital.

We knew he had a heart problem, we knew he had fluid around his lungs, but the doctors had been very positive he would be fine after a few surgeries.

I got home, Alan jumped in the truck and we rush off to the hospital. He had to drop me off, because he had to work.(This was the plan all along. He needed to work, and we were both fine with this) I got there and registered, and they took me back and began rushing to get me ready for a c-section. The Dr came in, explained everything to me, and then I was wheeled into the OR.

This is where my world turned upside down over and over again. They began the surgery, and i remember feeling sick. The Dr fixed this. I couldn’t see anything, only hear. I hear them take him out and a millisecond of a cry, and then nothing. I strained with all my might to hear ANYTHING from the nicu team that was working on him. They said he was tiny, and then i kept hearing phrases like “another shot of Api” “heart ratedown to 50″ “he’s coding” and then i heard them call the cardiologist, and i heard them call for compressions. By this point i was in tears and praying to God for the right thing. I asked God right then and there, To take him HOME. I asked God, Don’t let him suffer, just take him home and let him be at peace” as much as i wanted to hold him in my arms and hear him cry, I wanted more for him to be at peace, and not suffer or feel any pain. It was at this point they started wheeling me out of the room, and i caught a glimpse of a limp blue baby on the table with about 15 people around him trying to save him.

I started to bawl, and i was wheeled into the recovery, everyone was silent. I held my phone in my hands, and I wanted desperately to call my mom right then and there. But i knew I couldn’t because i was such an emotional mess she never would have understood a word i was saying because i was crying too hard. And i didn’t yet know what would happen to him. If he would live or die. So i clenched my phone to my chest, and waited. I waited for what felt like years. And then finally, a group of people came in, and stood around my bed. The Nurse came over, and grabbed my hand while the others looks solem by my feet. The doctor then told me, they had tried and done everything they could….But my little boy had passed away 45 minutes after he was born. The fluid around his lungs was so bad that it shunted the growth. They trieddraining it, but his lungs wouldn’t expand, they pumped him full of meds to try and open them up, but nothing worked. In the end, they gave him pain meds, and he did not suffer. That’s the last thing i heard before i lost it.

when i started to calm, the nurse asked if i wanted to hold him, and i lost it all over again, but managed to nod. They wrapped him up, put alittle hat on him, and brought him to me, where i held him for almost 4 hours. I touched him, I kissed him, I cried over him. I told him i loved him and i was so sorry. I ran out of words, so i just held him, and stared at him. I took pictures, and i held his hand, i looked him over from head to toe. He was beautiful. Perfect. Looked just like ethan did when he was born, but smaller.

Then the nurse came, and we weighed him, and measure him. 6lbs, 2 ozs and 20.5 inches long.
I held him until a priest came. The priest blessed him, and then he was baptized.

Then i found out it was alan’s grandfathers birthday. So I changed the Middle name from James to Virgil in his memory.

When i was ready, I let the nurses take him away, and then i cried some more. I cried until i had no more tears(or so i thought) left to cry.

They put me in a room away from the other moms and babies, which i was thankful for. Although i did wake suddenly that night because i swore i heard a baby crying. I dontknow if this was real, or my imagination.

That night, i got meds to help me sleep, but i still didn’t sleep much. The next day, wasalittle better. I broke down and called my parents, and i broke down while talking to them. But i felt like a weight had been lifted once i told them. I was(and still am) so ashamed of myself for having kept things from them for so long. It was the hardest thing, i’ve ever had to do because more times then i care to count, All i wanted was to talk to my mommy. BUt somehow, i felt i had to take this journey alone. I dont know why. I just did.I wish i hadn’t, but its too late for that now.

Today i was released from the hospital, a day early because i told them i could do better at home. Well, first i had to get my pain meds, and then, there was the ordeal at the mortuary, i had to set up the viewing and pick out the urn, and sign the death cert. They told me i could bring an outfit to have him put in for the viewing. So We went to the BX, and I went to the task of find the only outfit he would wear. I thought i would beok. I thought i could hold it together. Then i saw all the little newborn outfits…and i couldn’t keep it together, right there in the middle of the store while sitting on one of those scooters, I broke down and started crying. And then i heard a baby cry and they pushed me over the edge, I found the outfit quickly and went as fast as the scooter would take me away from that part of the store. I cried all the way to the counter. where the clerk looked like she might congratulate me, but stopped when she say my face. I’mglad because i think i might have went off on her. Alan was behind me, and he just wrapped his arms around me and held me and let me cry and said its OK
We walked to the truck arm in arm, and then headed to the mortuary. Alan picked out a very pretty black marble urn, while i picked out a very nice sterling silver bracelet to have part of him put into, I also arranged for my MIL and my Mom to get a bracelet as well.

After all the paper were signed and the process started, we came home, and here i am, just trying to make it for tomorrow. Tomorrow we get to see him for the final time. I will get to hold him for the last time. My angel, Tobias Virgil Eaby. Born May 18Th 2010 at 1:24pm, and passed and 2:25pm. REST IN PEACE BABY. Mommy loves you.